This post proved more difficult to compile that I had thought it would be. When I was of the rip age of 21 I was pregnant with my first child, Nicholas was his given name. Twenty weeks into the pregnancy I began to bleed and from the advice of the nursing staff of my OB/GYN I should remain on bed rest. After two weeks of spotting, one afternoon I began to feel pain low in my front abdomen. I suspected a UI. After the pain continued to increase we drove me to the ER. I heard that I was dilated beyond the point they could delay my delivery. I heard that I should push when I felt the need. I heard them all dutifully sighing and feeling bad for me. This dark night, was the staging ground for many difficult years to follow. I delivered Nicholas, 15 ounces, he breathed for a moment before going limp, into my world of shame and fear.
Over a decade has passed since I lay in that hospital full of guilt and shame. This birth made clear to me that I needed connection with women, it was the opening of myself to the mercy that we need to give each other. Nicholas has shown me, as all my children have, that women need each other. I need them.
You may ask what about your mother? Do you have any sisters? At the time in my life when I needed a mother to show me love, she was lost only to herself where she remains and my sister is 10 years old. I want to be someone’s woman friend and support, I want to give them what I have never felt.